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One of my favorite shows is The Wire (SPOILER ALERT, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH), and what really connected to me is what happened on the very last episode. It involves the shows main character, McNulty, pulled over on the side of the road looking out on the city of Baltimore (which actually is the main character of the show). In a montage you are shown what happens to the different characters, but what really hits me is that honestly nothing changes. The sun will come up at the start of the day, the sun will set at the end. You end the spreading of drugs on one corner, it will be pop up on another. Someone gets sober, while another turns into a junkie. What it was trying to tell us, the audience, is that things never change. Sure a person can change, but the dynamics of everything around us don't.
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The first time that I had heard about Charlotte, probably was in the summer of 88 or 89. And only becomes of the introduction of the Hornets. I never gave much thought about it, I assumed that the city was on the west coast. The only real significance that I gave was that Kurt Rambis was selected in the expansion draft. Other than that I really didn't give it much thought until my family moved there in the summer of 1996.
Like all middle class individuals when it came time for college the logical reason was to get as far away from home as possible. The staled notion that Charlotte was boring became quite frequent. Wherever I was going was going to be better than where I had been. Those years in Raleigh shaped me...to a degree. I wasn't one of those people who as soon as they left for college changed into someone else (because quite frankly those people are tools). I kinda kept the same routine that I had going for me. Some sociable interaction, bad jokes, and keeping up with my studies. I was new to a lot of things and hoped that I would make a fool of myself. What I really gained from those years in Raleigh was a new found appreciation towards my friends and the experiences that I went through. Everyone has a tough time in college? WELL MINE WAS TOUGHER. Well not really. I guess you tend to look at things in the past and idolize them the best way you see fit. I got a degree in history was extremely tempted to finish my political science degree, but decided not to do it, and was going back to Charlotte at the end of the summer with little thought on what I wanted to do. As I've mentioned before graduate school for history was the plan, get in, party in Europe, and then go back to school. Well I guess it's kismet that it didn't happen that way. *
*I have to use GRE words at least once in every paragraph
There was probably a moment after I took the GRE once and I realized that my score wasn't that great. I was driving down Providence road and realized that GOOD GOD am I going to be stuck in this town forever. I'm never going to leave this place. It was not a moment of great self clarity. It was a pity party for one. I ended up calming down. After getting the numerous rejection letters two years in a row, I decided to settle on a move to a career in teaching and getting my masters at UNC Charlotte. At the same time I was coaching.
I guess what has happened happened and theres really no way to go about saying what has already been said. I look at what happened and realized that I was way to cocky and to arrogant to think that I could be immune to something like that. I had been told the previous May that I really need to slow down, that I was very close to burning out, and that I just needed to take a break. I should have read the writing on the walls. My schedule went from summer cross practices, to cross country, to indoor track, and then outdoor track. Maybe having a week off for Christmas and two weeks after outdoor track was over. And hell I was feeling burnt out at the end, I was coaching one guy in the 4x4 and I really didn't want to be there, but I had to do it. I never knew why, but I had to do it. And what happened that summer, I went out and lengthened the optional summer runs to 6 days. I went everyday and ran sometimes twice a day with kids. In my mind this was the only way to get things done. I honestly felt that that team was the most prepared out of all of them that I coached, that the foundations to a great team were being laid in place, that somethings still needed to be improved on, but I was going to fix them. And I knew this...because? I was that confident in my abilities. A meet, a weekday meet at McAlpine, 2 mile tempo then a fast mile to finish the race. It went so well. The top 7 were at 18 to 18:25 it looked like everything was going to lead up to maybe a top 3 finish. Could I convince them to get second...
So you look for the memories. You look for answers. You doubt yourself. Did I just waste 6 years of my life? That was something that I asked myself. Was it worth it? All my hard work, is this how I am repaid? Negative thoughts. Angry thoughts. Plain crazy thoughts creep into your head. But no matter what you lie in the bed you make. I was to immature. To arrogant. I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for.
But then you think about the good times that you had. Running camp. How bad does it sound that in 2007 that the two best weeks of my life were spent living in a dorm room at UNC Asheville. That I would meet three great guys, that we would bond together like brothers, and become great friends? That I meet people that cared as much as I did about running and trying in vain to become better coaches. That I would cherish the moments that I went there. The graduation run, the last 1.5 miles going up a thousand feet. That this place would be something I look forward to every single year. That the relationships forged here meant so much to me. How much I miss it. How I wish to go back, just once.
The state Indoor meet a strange contraption of muffled announcements, starter pistols, red chested red faced runners, and recycled air. The one thing that I started out on my own. The one thing that I took great pride of creating. This wasn't a team that I inherited, but rather a team that I built. That my team was a reflection of me. Having fun and kicking butt. Loose but serious. The fights over the baton in the grass at Providence High School. Warming up on the track in the opposite direction. You knew who we were by our prescience. It was a welcomed sight. A small rag tag group of guys and girls, who ran through the warm and cold weather in the winter. Who competed in meets where there were no scores, just going for time. Who ran countless miles all for the quest for the chase to the journey for the kingdom of mileage. Did you ever notice just past the 1 mile marker at McMullen, one of the boards on the bridge on the right hand side is slightly discolored than the rest. It looks like it was replaced some time ago. You can thank the winter distance runners for that. It was a small group, a harmonized group. Everyone shared a single bond, but competed as individuals. Qualifying athletes was great. Having a state champion was great. But they did that all on their own. No workouts. Just base. That's what I always told them. It was always them not me.
The friendships and mentoring that I received during those years. I went from being someone who could barely say a couple of sentences in front of a group of my peers. To conducting meetings to 90 high school kids, parent meetings, and a pasta dinner to recognize the seniors and talk about the season. I was able to grow comfortable in small talk to everyone. I was able to know almost everyone and give almost everyone a nickname. With their success I was a mile high and with their failures I was in the lowest of lows. I was able to gain the ability to branch out on my own, to be more confident, to take control of any situation and work it to my best ability. To have that confidence. It's hard to describe. You know it when you have it. You know it from the tips of your toes to the hair on your head. It felt great. But you got there on a journey. There were so many that helped you along the way. Those who gave you a chance when you didn't think you deserved one. To those who called or asked you to see how you were doing when it got bad. You can never repay them for that, but you can go out in what you do and repay them in your actions. How you run a race. How you conduct yourself. But you needed to falter when you thought you had it all. And that leads you to the second arch.
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In those years of coaching I never really took time to race. Probably could have ran a bit more, but never really thought that much about it. Only after the break did I start to race more. And to think I wouldn't have developed the friendships if one thing didn't lead to another. And that's what really has to be thought about, right? Does it keep you up at night, wondering what would have happened if you changed one thing. Where would you be. Still doing the same thing. Maybe knowing the same people, but not in the same way. I guess that would be ok.
You start out thinking one guy is a running rival and that you can't stand this guy, until you find out he's pretty cool and you hang out more and more. And you realize that he's one of your best friends. That you find out that he's so right all the time. That he's able to tell you things that are so true about yourself. Things that you know to be true. That you are a smart person, but you make a lot of dumb decisions that make people question how smart you are. That you are in awe that he was able to go to another country, to just go over there and live his life, that it makes you jealous and inspires you. That it's the reason that you take this new job. Part of the risk and reward.
The places that you go: Tybee Island and the fun that happened that weekend. At first you really didn't want to go, but you went and are glad that you did. You had fun, which is what you needed, meet some cool people, and probably annoyed everyone by buy PBR when you all ran out of beer. The Blue Ridge Relay. You remember your mom asking you the night before "Do these people like you?" well I hope so. Not really sure what will happen you go in and have a total blast. You keep thinking to yourself while the race is going on how cool this is. That nothing can top what just happened, and then something happens and it tops it. You end up having a great time. One regret about taking the new job is that you wont be able to run Blue Ridge. It's one of those things that you are counting down the days to 2013 when you think that you might be able to do it then.
All the races that you have ran. The good and the bad. So where you ran well, some where you didn't. While the individual races were fun you really enjoyed the pacing duties that you did. A chance for you to help out others. A chance really to get a free entry, free room, and a chance for you to feel like you are a real athletes. You do it in your home city. That's what you call it now. And you help out someone you know. You push them along the final miles and you get them under the pace time. A win. You feel great for them. They did it all themselves.
You reconnect with old friends. Those that you haven't really talked to in years, become dear friends. Such sweet sorrow it is in this parting. Just when things were getting back together you have to go. Bummer. But you enjoy the now, you don't think about past grudges. Your to old for that. You think about the fun that you've had now. The adventures that you have gone on. You hold that the gesture of visit me, isn't hallow. You hope that you talk to them often. You don't want to see them just on holidays. You don't want that connect to dry up.
Of course you have to think sometimes at other aspects during this second arch. Maybe I didn't do things that well. Maybe I was a bit off during certain stretches. Quirks you could call them. The disappearances. The social awkwardness. The distance. Could things have been better if you were in a different place? Probably. It's something that you look at and can't understand why you did some of things that you did. Are you really any different than what you were when you were in high school. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. But in the end you have to live with the decisions and your actions. It probably wasn't fair to some, but that's what you will have to live with.
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There are things that I think of in the back of my head. Pulling up to Old Bell or McMullen early morning. That smell that you get from those places. It really reminds me and gives me a feeling of those places. I can't really describe it, but I know it when I see it. The places that are so familiar to me, now have are starting to fade a bit. New places take their place. But at the same time I have to go back and think that while I'm seven hours away, I haven't really left.
I guess when I think about it this new job is something that I'm not prepared for, while at the same time I am prepared for. The lessons from coaching have prepared me to not take any shortcuts, to always find a solution, to not give up, and that everyone will get better will help me out. Those years of apprenticeship made me a more confident individual. Prepared me for things to come. At the same time the mistakes that I made will be ones that I know about and will see to avoid. I know where my faults were and what happened and will make sure that they don't happen again. And what of my post coaching life. It gave me a new appreciation on friends, the people you meet, my family. It made me realize that I can't go it alone, that there will be someone out there that will listen to me. That there were so many people that I am missing, but I will always be there.
In a way it's kinda exciting and kinda scary to be starting this, to be going out to a place where I can count the people I know on three fingers. But at the same time it's kinda how I went into college and kinda how I go into things in life. I went into college with the expectations that it will be hard but rewarding at the same time. I looked at it like a cross between Harry Potter and Raiders of the Lost Ark. That first year. Oh my! Was it fun. I got to meet a lot of cool people and got a pretty cool girlfriend...but things have a way of acting out differently than what you imagined. It's how I ran my first marathon. I just decided over the summer that I was going to run the Thunder Road marathon. Because? I wanted to. To finish. That was the goal. I really didn't know what I was doing, but assumed that you needed to run miles to do it. It was a challenge, something to see if I could do. And that's what will happen now. A chance to see if I could do it. I know that I have the support and most importantly I have the confidence in myself to do it. Sure there may be times when I might stress or freak out, but I'm grounded in what I have to do. I've been given a second chance. One in which I didn't think would happen again. And I know that I will do my best.
In a way like The Wire, things will change. I'm sure that there will be another goofy, sarcastic white guy that will run somewhat well at road races in Charlotte. There will be one that replaces me. But as I look back at my early races in Charlotte, people rarely stick around. Sure there are some old timers still running, but names change. Those running the races, winning them and running fast times are similar to those from years ago. Just as one leaves another comes. That's the way to look at it. Morbid you might say? Well that's the way it goes.
It's a two year commitment to this job. I can say off the top of my head the thing I want to do, the thing I want to get back is coaching. I really would like to teach and coach at a Southwestern 4A school. To me that's the conference to coach in Charlotte. But you know I can't look at it like that. Because if I do then I'm counting down the months, to when I can come back and that wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else. But then again I really don't know what will become of me by the end of the year or in two. Maybe I will grow to like DC? Maybe some new opportunity will arise? I don't know. But I do know that right now I'm finally feeling better. Finally at a place where I can put my head up high. When I look back at coaching I hope that the individuals that I coached looked at it as something that was a special part of their life. That is was something that they will remember for a long time. That hopefully they found it to be uplifting and something they continued to do in their life. I wasn't in the business of producing an army of runners, but rather individuals who could lead a life where they were able to respect those around them and have a good time. And when I look at what happened after that those around me were able to put up with my many moods and quirks and were able to see that if they ever need something that I will always be there for them. I left Charlotte and I am sad to do so, I never knew that I would be saying that.
Thanks to everyone in Charlotte. To many people to mention but all of you in some way helped me out, through the good and the bad. Maybe I wasn't the greatest guy or I did things that you may not have liked, but that's who I was. If I did something that upset you I probably did. If I did something that made you laugh, then I probably did. Keep on doing what each of you are doing. It was a blast.
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