...I'm posting this on a Sunday night when I should be working and writing my portfolio. I'm confident that I could get it done. I've completed three out of the four components. I have till May 11th to finish it. I am confident that when I get into beast mode that I will finish.
Well I ran a race today and did ok. I wrote some witty and (un)funny comments on athleticore about it. Now here comes the real writing. The real feelings. The man behind the curtain. It don't really care to write that much about the race or even go back and reflect on it. I was backing to my apartment and starting to think, as I look at the people on the sidewalks and those sitting in their front lawns eating/socializing-they don't really care/know that I ran a PR in the 10k. That got me to thinking. I find it refreshing that I don't have to go and constantly think about running on a regular basis. It's something that I can think about time to time, but I'm glad I'm not overloaded with it. I don't follow all the rules that a runner should. I've worn the same trainers since November (not breaking my streak of running in the same shoes for a year). I've worn the same racing flat for three or four years. I do my own thing and make it simplistic. I don't honestly care that much. And it's not a I don't care so I won't try that hard. But rather a I don't care one way or the other. And this attitude has gotten people to become upset with me from time to time. I don't know what to say about myself, that's who I am. To do anything else would be contradictory to myself and I wouldn't feel right.
After the race I did something that I didn't really put that much thought into it. I said thank you to a volunteer. It wasn't something that I necessarily did to go out of my way. It's just a habit. And that's when I started to think about something that an ex-girlfriend said to me during freshman year of college. That I act mean because I don't want people to know how nice I am. I didn't know what to say to that, and still don't know what to think about it anyway.* Honestly it's true. And actually I would say it got even worse in a self-destruction type of manner that really has caused me to be ashamed of how I acted.
*Of course the last time I say said ex-girlfriend was at a concert where she pointed me out to her friend and then proceeded to stick her finger down her throat, mimicking vomiting. I guess that should sum up how things ended between us.
Thinking back to the earlier quote was a song that would make me think back to it, and take me back to a time when I was a much happier person. A time when honestly I felt better than I had in my entire life. It was an Against Me! song. It's totally depressing and hits the right cords to my personality. It's a song that I like and at the same time it totally bums me out. I don't know what else to say. It really makes me think about all the mistakes that I have done. I know that my parents try to get me to think about all the positives, all the kids that I have positively influenced, all the fun that I gave them, but I still think back to the negative.** No matter what. I know about the positives. I know that there good times. And I've moved on. I've literally moved on. A move was something that maybe I needed. A chance to get away. But you can physically move on, but mentally it stays with you.
**The elephant in the room. It's there. It will always be. No matter what I do, no matter what I say-it's there. I can make all the jokes I want, but it hangs over my head.
It's a great thing and a bad thing that my running log is online. I can go back and see what happened a year ago or two years ago. And when you have nothing better to do, you can scroll through many months of a long and see the shape of where you went as a person. And you go through the ups and downs and you realize something.... It goes back to that comment from the volunteer. I really wanted to say it takes more effort to be mean than being nice. And yet I think of the alienation that I have created with people and certain family members. It's like I purposely go out of my way to do things that don't make sense. I do things that really don't fit my personality and yet I have no qualms about doing them. I really don't know. I really don't know. I've sat in my apartment on the weekends, and the only interaction (and it's a stretch to call it) with another person is those that I pass while running. I sit in my apartment and pretend that the world doesn't exist. That this is some sort of punishment for what I have done. That I have to accept it for what it is and pay for the crimes I have committed. I don't really know why. It's one thing to think that way, it's another thing to actually act it out.
So what are the solutions. Maybe I should start to care more about things that I like. I make lists of things I need to do to get better, and writing them down is all good, but they really don't matter unless you carry them out. That's my problem. I'm cursed with a false sense of smartness. I can get by, but really deep down...I really don't know.
I guess you can say it's the way things go. Keep your head. I do. I'm not admitting defeat. I guess it's time to start acting the way I really am. That carrying a sarcastic, mean demeanor has gotten me to this point. It's time to be that happy, friendly guy that I really am. Please call me Brian. That's who I am.
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