When you sleep no one's homeless

...I'm posting this on a Sunday night when I should be working and writing my portfolio. I'm confident that I could get it done. I've completed three out of the four components. I have till May 11th to finish it. I am confident that when I get into beast mode that I will finish.

Well I ran a race today and did ok. I wrote some witty and (un)funny comments on athleticore about it. Now here comes the real writing. The real feelings. The man behind the curtain. It don't really care to write that much about the race or even go back and reflect on it. I was backing to my apartment and starting to think, as I look at the people on the sidewalks and those sitting in their front lawns eating/socializing-they don't really care/know that I ran a PR in the 10k. That got me to thinking. I find it refreshing that I don't have to go and constantly think about running on a regular basis. It's something that I can think about time to time, but I'm glad I'm not overloaded with it. I don't follow all the rules that a runner should. I've worn the same trainers since November (not breaking my streak of running in the same shoes for a year). I've worn the same racing flat for three or four years. I do my own thing and make it simplistic. I don't honestly care that much. And it's not a I don't care so I won't try that hard. But rather a I don't care one way or the other. And this attitude has gotten people to become upset with me from time to time. I don't know what to say about myself, that's who I am. To do anything else would be contradictory to myself and I wouldn't feel right.

After the race I did something that I didn't really put that much thought into it. I said thank you to a volunteer. It wasn't something that I necessarily did to go out of my way. It's just a habit. And that's when I started to think about something that an ex-girlfriend said to me during freshman year of college. That I act mean because I don't want people to know how nice I am. I didn't know what to say to that, and still don't know what to think about it anyway.* Honestly it's true. And actually I would say it got even worse in a self-destruction type of manner that really has caused me to be ashamed of how I acted.

*Of course the last time I say said ex-girlfriend was at a concert where she pointed me out to her friend and then proceeded to stick her finger down her throat, mimicking vomiting. I guess that should sum up how things ended between us.


Thinking back to the earlier quote was a song that would make me think back to it, and take me back to a time when I was a much happier person. A time when honestly I felt better than I had in my entire life. It was an Against Me! song. It's totally depressing and hits the right cords to my personality.  It's a song that I like and at the same time it totally bums me out. I don't know what else to say. It really makes me think about all the mistakes that I have done. I know that my parents try to get me to think about all the positives, all the kids that I have positively influenced, all the fun that I gave them, but I still think back to the negative.** No matter what. I know about the positives. I know that there good times. And I've moved on. I've literally moved on. A move was something that maybe I needed. A chance to get away. But you can physically move on, but mentally it stays with you.

**The elephant in the room. It's there. It will always be. No matter what I do, no matter what I say-it's there. I can make all the jokes I want, but it hangs over my head.


It's a great thing and a bad thing that my running log is online. I can go back and see what happened a year ago or two years ago. And when you have nothing better to do, you can scroll through many months of a long and see the shape of where you went as a person. And you go through the ups and downs and you realize something.... It goes back to that comment from the volunteer. I really wanted to say it takes more effort to be mean than being nice. And yet I think of the alienation that I have created with people and certain family members. It's like I purposely go out of my way to do things that don't make sense. I do things that really don't fit my personality and yet I have no qualms about doing them. I really don't know. I really don't know. I've sat in my apartment on the weekends, and the only interaction (and it's a stretch to call it) with another person is those that I pass while running. I sit in my apartment and pretend that the world doesn't exist. That this is some sort of punishment for what I have done. That I have to accept it for what it is and pay for the crimes I have committed. I don't really know why. It's one thing to think that way, it's another thing to actually act it out.

So what are the solutions. Maybe I should start to care more about things that I like. I make lists of things I need to do to get better, and writing them down is all good, but they really don't matter unless you carry them out. That's my problem. I'm cursed with a false sense of smartness. I can get by, but really deep down...I really don't know.

I guess you can say it's the way things go. Keep your head. I do. I'm not admitting defeat. I guess it's time to start acting the way I really am. That carrying a sarcastic, mean demeanor has gotten me to this point. It's time to be that happy, friendly guy that I really am. Please call me Brian. That's who I am.

Single file line

As I get older (and man I'm getting old) I've come to realization to slow down and take things in a more calmer manner. I've achieved a notion of relaxation and taking things one moment at a time. I think that this is something that is going to help me out in life and running. I've gotten to the point where I can reach the potential that I feel that I can get. Although this attitude has been reflected that I don't really care or don't seem that interested. That's not the case. I just am not that type of person who puts my own talent out in the open. I don't feel the need to celebrate what I do. I just go out and do my job, whatever that may be.

If I was in a punk band this would be a 90 second song

...as our noble hero embarks on a journey into new depths that he hasn't gone into before.

There's a feeling of what will happen. I'm not sure where I'm going or where I will be in a couple years, I just know that no matter where I go I'm going to have fun. Life ain't always going to have the good times, but when you have them you better embrace them. I use to never celebrate the good times, instead I would only look for the dark clouds that were coming. Now I've found peace and it's time to move in a new direction.

Blog title #1

...it was hot. But not that bad. I started around 6:20pm. So it wasn't that bad. But it was still hot. I was unsure what my legs were going to do the day after a twenty four miler. I took it out easy and then progressed from that. I ended up feeling pretty good. The only worry was that I had some pain on the inner part of my right knee. I ended up running nine miles for a pace just over 7:20. It wasn't that bad. The only thing that was bad was the kamikaze flies that flew into my eye, and that caused me to stop for a second to clean out my eye. It seems the Charlotte weather has followed me North.

*For the blog title, when I really lazy and can't come up with something witty for the title I'm just going to name it blog title and then a number.

Don't call it a comeback

Oh to be young again.

...just when I started to think that maybe nobody read the blog, I find out more people did. Should I continue to write? Should I continue to put labels on it to get more page visits? I don't know.

What I do know is that it's been almost a year since I moved to DC. WHAT IS THIS? I feel like I got here a couple weeks ago (although it feels like five years since I ran a marathon). I really enjoy living here. I get homesick when I visit home, but really I miss a couple friends, my dogs, and my family. But other than that it's not that bad. Work has been going great that last couple weeks. I've got better (I think) and feel that things are on the up swing.

As for running let's see where to begin? I guess on Saturday I ran a 16.5 mile run, and I bonked pretty bad around the halfway point. Argh I have to run 8.25 back! I did not enjoy it. I was taking mile splits and it just got depressing. I was hitting low 7's and then it started to creep back into the 7:20s. Oh well. I guess I learned my lesson not to go out so hard.

Today, which is Sunday, was one of the more unfun runs I've had. Let's go back to last night. I'm hanging out with JB and Christobo. JB mentions that he read my old blog when I mentioned him in it. Where I was talking about how I would go hang out on Central Ave and the Plaza area, whereas when we were in HS I would NEVER EVER want to go in that area. IT'S SCARY! We ended up picking things up right from HS, immature talk and what not. Then we realized we were all old. Yep. I had two beers. Bringing my beer intake in 2012 to a grand total of four. Cut the fat B-Mac. I got tired around 9:30 and didn't get on the metro till 11 and got home at 11:15. I knew I was going to pay for it on my run. I ended up doing twenty four miles. I started out slow on purpose. I saw the same Ethiopian or Kenyan runner that I saw on Saturday running in the park, even when I was running 7:30s I still passed them, they must have been going 8 minutes. I got out from the shady part at the beginning and the sun hit me. Oh this will be aweful. I stopped at ten to get some water, ran out to Bethesda and then stopped at fourteen to get some water. At sixteen I used the restroom and made one last pit stop for water. About a mile later a boy was calling for help in the Potomac, I was about to jump in and save him, but a boat came over and helped him out. After that the rest of the run really sucked. It was warm and not all that great. I got home, quickly downed some powerade, drank some chocolate milk, and some oj. Ate a bowl of berrylicious cereal. Then I made the decision to get a slurpee. It was ok. So now I have to do some work. Oh so much joy. I need to nap. Get some more calories in me.

So noble reader(s?) what say you. Is the dinner for sucker's 2.0 ready for a comeback. Will people care? Are the masses really clammering for it? Will Grand Moff Puppeteer be explained? Those questions might be answered but here are some answers to questions that haven't been asked yet.

-I still get my haircut every five or six months

-I grow out my facial hair for big races and shave it into something that does not look good

-I have been called a good dresser and have had labeled "preppy"

Charlottesville Half Race Recap: Cavalier Eternal

...I'm sitting in my bed. It's around 8pm. I'm getting the "man I have to work tomorrow" face going on. I'm getting that same old feeling that I get whenever I come back from Charlotte. The homesickness kicks in, but then the depression comes back. For a while I've gone back on athleticore and looked at my log and looked at days gone past. Some days I'm immediately transformed back to that day, because I know where I ran, how I was feeling, and what was going on. Other days I have no idea what I did that day. I keep thinking about how I left Charlotte. Eh. Is how I usually think about it. Were some people sad? Probably. Did I piss off some people? Probably. Did anyone really care that I left? Probably.

I was in my hotel room and I was thinking, what I was going to do when I finished the race and was on my way home. I guess I could call my parents, but that would be weird. Hey I just ran this race that you had no idea I was running. I could call my friends in DC. That would work, although you need to have actual individuals who are friends for this to happen, and I don't have any. I could call my friends who don't live in DC. I guess it could go like this, hey I ran this race that you didn't know about and didn't know I was training. I haven't talked to you in a while, I will be in Charlotte for about twenty four hours, so this is short notice but I probably won't see you. Yep sounds about right.

I left Friday for Charlottesville a little after 11am and got stung by severe traffic on I-95. It was unpleasant. So I do what I usually do on a Friday or Saturday night and have pretend conversations either with people I know and pretend to be them or I believe that I'm on a talk show talking about my life. I then got off the highway and went down the back roads to get to Charlottesville. As I got into the city, I started to think what does this remind me of, and then it hit me. Charlottesville was a southern version of Portland. I half expected someone to put a bird on my shirt and call it art.

The expo was kinda weak, I bought a gel (No more revolution against gels). I then had to find my hotel. I had read on the internet that it was hard to find. It was. My hotel was on campus (?) and was in the school of business (??) area. I got there and it was actually not a bad place to stay. It was expensive, but it served it's purpose. I then drove back to the campus to get something to eat.

Now UVA is what I would call a bro-ific campus. The best example of this was the guy wearing a buttoned up polo shirt that had a sweatshirt over it (with the sleeves rolled up) and over that a polo shirt. I texted my brother this and thought that if he was here he would have gotten in a fight nearly every second for starting something. I ate at a mellow mushroom. I did all the things you shouldn't do before a race. Ate greasy pizza, some greasy pretzels, and drank a lot of soda. Then I went to a corner market to buy some breakfast. A Special K bar and marathon bar was my mode of food. The clerk at the store started to talk about my shirt that I was wearing, I was wearing my Against Me! shirt. When I started to talk about I realized how long I had the shirt, over eight years. I almost made the remark of "Christ this shirt is old and so am I", but I didn't and left. I ended up watching two Law and Order episodes that I had seen roughly four or five times.

I woke up at 3:30. Realized I wanted to go to bed and slept in till 4. I ate my bars, something I have never done before and interruption to my routine. Oh well. I parked in a lot around 5:15 and meandered to the expo. It wasn't cold, but rather in the 40s. I did a warm up and chilled in the expo till about 6:15 and then made my way to the line. I saw Doug Campbell from Charlotte there. I asked him how the course was and he said hilly. I asked him if it was like a race in Charlotte and he said yeah. Ok works for me.

The gun went off and I went out. Some guy asked me what I knew about the course, I said hilly. He looked at the second turn we were going to make, leading up to it was a significant uphill, and he said yeah that's about right. I settled in to a third position, behind the marathon leader and half leader. I came through the mile, not looking at my watch, not knowing what was going to happen. It was 5:56. I figured that my stride was pretty impressive, and I was chugging. I felt like I had done some work. I kinda laughed and knew to worry about position.

I took the lead around mile two. I was leading and we had to make a left turn. The cop that was leading stopped at the turn, and didn't give me any real room to work around it. So I had to almost come to a stop and turn ninety degrees. I laughed out loud. Then we kinda ran onto this wooden chip trail for 100 meters and then exited into this parking lot (No really we did, very random). As I was in the trail I thought (while leading the race) I bet Allen Strickland would find this funny. At the first water stop nobody was ready, so I just ran over and did my best attempt to grab one. I missed it and knocked over about ten cups. The cyclist with me gave me his water bottle, but other than that I was fine.

So the course was hilly. Like very hilly. Every mile was rolling. Uphill and then downhill. The views of the country. Awesome. It was right around daybreak and it looked cool. I ended up being in second place somewhere out there. I knew there was a tough hill at mile five, and when we got to five I was ready for it. Then me made a left turn and I was going to run it. ARRRRRGHHHH. It was a hill. Maybe a kilometer. I don't know. I just started to climb. It wasn't fun. I knew that I wasn't going to win the race. My legs were going to be shot. I saw a speed limit sign and knew that was the top of the hill. It was not pleasant. I got to the top, the speed limit sign had one of those check your own speed on it. I was running 9 miles per hour. Yep sounds about right.

Running up the hill I was calling it the come to Jesus hill. I expected Jesus to appear and take me to heaven to end my suffering. Luckily as I have been told many times, while I slow down my stride still holds up. That's what happened. I got passed going back the way I came right when we started to go downhill. Now at this moment was the closest I will get to the Tour. People going one way, people cheering, it was cool. The rest of the course was hill again. It was the same loop back. I ended up running under 1:18 and got third. I finished and walked to the expo to get my bag. The girls there remarked that they were amazed I was in the half and already done, I thought about flirting with them, but my senses were telling me they were in high school. I made some (un)funny comments, ate a slice of pizza, and went back to the hotel to shower and then go to Charlotte.

I spent the night in Charlotte. Not really napping as I wanted to. Eating some ham. Watching Unknown and being disappointed that Liam Neeson didn't go ham. I woke up at 6:15 and ran around the area. I then ate brunch with my family. I ate a lot. Finished some work that I should have done last week. Packed my stuff and left. When I go to Charlotte, the memories come back. I try to always think of the good, but the ones that ended it stay longer. As I pulled into the drive way, my mom had some awards from the 4-Runner's Only and Greensboro Invite in her car to give (I guess) back to the school. Seeing those right in the driveway were a haunting reminder. Great times *, good memories, and then regret sets in.

*In my apartment I have the picture that Dean framed of the entire Top 7 on the stage at Tanglewood after we won the 3A race for 4-Runners. It's a mix of excitement, glee, and no-seriously-we-all-ran-bad-and-still-won look on our face. I have a big grin. What I thought would be a harbinger of things to come, in regard to winning at Tanglewood, never materialized. (That is one of the more significant pictures in my apartment, I am a sad lonely man. Which my sister pointed out when I was describing my place rather accurately "sounds to me that you don't have a girlfriend".)

That's just one aspect, and not including what I've written (poor grammar, childish takes) and what I've said to people here. I don't really go to church anymore. But you can't take the Catholicism out of me, there's the daily penance for the sins I've committed. It can be one reason that I went and moved four hundred miles away.

...as I was making my way to my hotel, I decided to call my parents to let them know I was coming home and what time I would be there. I called. Nobody answered. It was 8am. I left a message. Nobody returned my call. Yep that sounds about right.

Cherry Blossom 10 Miler Recap: Coming Home

...I was watching the final four and it was half time of the Kansas-Ohio State game. I was figuring that it was time to go to bed. My thoughts were drifting to other things, but the one thing that always came first. It was something that only a few people know about, only a few people thought it would actually happen. But it's happening.

I woke up and ate some breakfast this morning. I left my building at 5:30 this morning to go to the metro station. Leaving the elevator to go to the lobby I see two big women with two big dudes standing in the entrance. I always thought that I would see someone coming in as I was leaving and it would be funny. But I wasn't really laughing. I got to the door and they moved, but were talking four huge people. I walked down the metro station, and this clearly drunk women soon starts to stagger towards me. There was another guy sitting next to me on the bench, when this women starts to talk to us. She slurred her words and then wondered around the station. The guy asked me if she was on drugs. I just looked and him and thought only two people slur their words and stagger. One is someone who is suffering a stroke and the other is someone on some sort of drugs/alcohol, and there is no way someone with a stroke can walk down the escalator. My train came and going to where I need to go was painless and it was easy.

I got out to the Washington monument around 6:10 and walked around the place. Maybe I would recognize someone, but probably not. I started a warm up around 6:45 and did it for only ten minutes. I came back to the bag check, stretched, changed into my singlet, and then saw Chad and Danielle in line at the bag check. After talking to them for a couple seconds I then went to find a bathroom for a brief stop and then got to the starting line.

I will say that the starting line was a bit packed and I was about two to three people back. It meant that I was two to three seconds off the starting time. I wasn't really sure what I could do. I haven't ran a real true speed work. I do hills and miles. Well I figured let's see how it goes. I had to pick it up more than I wanted to on the first mile, to get out of the crowds. The route for the race were all roads that I have ran countless times. Over the bridge (that I don't know what it's called), East Potomac park (where it's really boring), Rock Creek Pkway (under the Kennedy Center). I was consistent on my pace around 5:40s throughout the race. I knew at mile five I was hurting, but I was pleased that I hung tough. I ended up running a 57:15, which was 15 seconds slower than what my goal was, but seeing that I battled the stomach flu, it was a confident booster that I am getting faster, and that is very positive.

I ended up not feeling well at all after the race. I didn't take a gel or that much water or gatorade during the race. I don't know why I do this. Take all the pain during the race and compound it. But my body goes into serious shock after the race. Right now it's a little after one in the afternoon, and I finally feel normal. But in all I feel good. I didn't do a cool down because I thought I was going to die with my colon fighting the good fight.

But the really big news that I still am thinking about and am excited to have happen the last couple weeks, is that the ole B-Mizzle will be moving back to Charlotte June 18. That's right I'm coming home, coming back. But why? What for? Oh they say you can't come back again. Well you can in my instance. After some secret negotiations and secret phone calls, I've gotten back the position that was mine and then I had to give it back. That's right I'm coming back to coach at Catholic cross and track, I'll be doing a teaching position in the city. It's all coming together. I wasn't going to come back, but after a conversation with someone who said if you want to come back we can make it happen, and that you are the one we want to come back. Well I couldn't say no to this person. I'll be coming back, with a contact signed to make sure things don't go downhill like it did before. So now that the secret is out it's time to enjoy what's happening now and have some fun!